Excerpts from My Journal

2012 Race For The Cure - 18 Necklaces for 18 years

Excerpts from My Journal - A Breast Cancer Survivors’ Writings

By Karen Hackel

August 24, 1994

Last Friday went in for a local to have a lump removed. Things look “suspicious”. I am scared. The results come back – “malignant” Shock and intense sadness overcome me. I am not ready to deal with this now. My thoughts turn to my family and the tears flow. I always knew it could happen, but never thought it would happen. My mind is going a million miles. The doctor’s words sound all too familiar to me – lumpectomy, radiation and chemotherapy. I feel an amazing calm come over me and know I will be okay. I feel strong despite the obstacles ahead. I will face this cancer head-on and learn from it. In a strange, sinister way I see
the cancer as a gift and realize there is no turning back. Only moving forward and embracing it into my life. Cancer will be my friend in that while I will get rid of the bad malignancy, her presence will always be with me and I feel will make me more appreciative of the beautiful life we have.

September 9, 1994

What a year this will be for me. Not quite the one I would have envisioned a month ago. I find myself not resisting what I have to have to go through, but accepting my treatments and just trying to go with the flow. I haven’t started chemo yet, but see it as a process I need to go through. I know I will have bad days but I can’t worry about those now as it would be wasted energy and wouldn’t help anyway. One day at a time, one breath at a time is all I need to do.

September 16, 1994

I went to a support group for breast cancer on Wednesday. Meeting Lisa with no hair, but a hat, and realizing that would soon be me. I feel so sad to lose my hair – my beautiful, wavy reddish hair that I always get compliments on will be a major loss to me and it is still so hard to believe I will be bald. I try to rationalize, knowing that it will grow back and it’s only short term but it really does suck. One more step in my growth process – what will this teach me? Humility – not judging a book by its cover – getting more in touch with the real me? I just don’t know! All I know is that I will confront the mirror when the time comes and know that I am still the same person inside and that is more important.

I keep believing something very good is going to come out of my getting cancer but I have no idea as yet what that may be. I strongly believe in the positive down the road – but first need to walk this long road before I have any answers.

October 2, 1994

Had my first chemo treatment on Thursday – anxious to get started, yet apprehensive about so much. Trying to remain positive and have good thoughts. The moment they take my blood, I feel really sad knowing this is the beginning of six months of uncertainty. So strange to be feeling healthy and to subject my body to the chemicals that will help me, yet at the same time have their ramifications. The tears flow – this illness has really taken over every facet of my being. So hard to think ahead – need to just take one day at a time. I look the same as I did before – but inside I feel so different. No longer am I carefree and innocent. This is my new reality whether I like it or not. How suddenly everything changed, no turning back, no standing still, just need to keep moving forward.

  

February 27, 1995

Last chemo treatment was Thursday. Went in with a tremendous sense of ambivalence: so happy to be done with chemo yet scared and fearful that I won’t have the crutch of chemo to keep the cancer away. Apparently this is normal but it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with the fear. So, I have overcome and survived my bout with chemo. Now, it is time to get some new resources and energy to deal with radiation.

August 13, 1995

It’s been a year since I felt the lump.  It feels like so long ago – so hard to envision life prior to my diagnosis. A year of total ups and downs, of happiness and sadness, joy and sorrow, love and hate, pain and healing. I have truly felt the full spectrum of emotions, continue to feel the flood of emotions and anticipate experiencing many more emotions as my journey as a cancer survivor continues.

I feel so positive yet I feel like I am on the brink everyday – this sense of serenity and wellness can be grasped from me so quickly. I have so much control, but I have so little control. I am afraid – scared to think of the consequences if the cancer should return. I really am not afraid of dying. I am afraid of pain and suffering, being immobilized, losing control and being chronically ill. I’m not sure why I have the need to write all this – maybe it will help me move to my next level of healing.

I have to go back to the beginning and take one day at a time. I need to dwell on positive and healing thoughts. I choose to accept life and be totally positive through all that I encounter on my path. I do believe everything is for a reason and each experience is a lesson to be learned. Some of the experiences we feel we could live without, but there is meaning to everything. Pain and sorrow are part of life – and I think they may be the pieces that give life it’s most meaning. They help us to know such incredible, intense feelings and truly sharpen perspective. I always felt I had my whole life ahead of me and things would be normal. Now, I don’t know. Each year is a true blessing.