Time To Come Out Of The Closet

Written in March 2014 

It's time for me to come out of the closet. Some of you already know and for those of you who don't, here goes...

A week before relocating from New Jersey to Florida, I tested positive for the BRCA1 gene. This means I have an 87% chance of getting breast cancer or a recurrence (duh, I had breast cancer 19 years ago) and a 50% chance of getting ovarian cancer. In December, a month after moving, I had my ovaries and Fallopian tubes removed taking care of the ovarian cancer risk. I recovered well from the first surgery and am enjoying life in sunny Florida. On March 18th, I will be having a prophylactic double mastectomy, while not looking forward to the surgery and recovery - I am focusing on the positive statistics that will reduce my breast cancer risk from 87% to 3%. 

I am very grateful I live in a time where I have options and can be proactive about my health. 

I am so lucky to have found excellent surgeons I trust and to be surrounded by a wonderful network of love, support and caring.

As Angelina Jolie stated "Life comes with many challenges. The ones that should not scare us are the ones we can take on and take control of". I have always been a warrior and I plan on coming out of this next battle stronger and better than ever.~ Karen

P.S. The photo was taken as I went into surgery. It is now seven months since surgery and I am feeling fabulous.

May, 1995 - This journal entry was written nine months after my Breast Cancer Diagnosis

Fifteen minutes of waiting for the Young Breast Cancer Survivors Group to begin. Celebrating our lives, our common thread of having shared the Breast Cancer experience and all the fears that go with it. My new sisterhood - women drawn from different walks of life, in our prime, having to go through something we thought would never happen to us.

So many questions and so much unknown but needing to accept that it is all going to be okay and this is the way it is. Life has its ups and downs and sometimes throws us curve-balls when we least expect them. Having to accept the setbacks as one of life's many lessons and surely one of life's setbacks. Everything is not always the way I dreamed it would be - but with maturity has come the knowledge that the fabric of life is made of joy and sorrow. I know I cannot always expect good times and there may be hardships behind me and hardships ahead of me - but I can choose to react in a positive and accepting way.

I do believe everything is for a reason and I know I must not analyze everything, yet I mustn't be totally positive and just accept it. So - it is a balancing act of coming to a middle road of analysis and acceptance. Sometimes I feel so centered and so together and other times so fragmented as though I am falling into a deep pit. Luckily those times are infrequent but they do scare me.

The mind is so powerful and empowering and I need to use my mind more to move forward and grow and develop into a more peaceful space.

Karen

Breast cancer Blog - Today I celebrate 18 Years

Books:
Dr. Susan Love's Breast Book 
Living Well Beyond Breast Cancer
Spinning Straw into Gold, Your Emotional Recovery From Breast Cancer

Today I Celebrate 18 Years

Today is my birthday. Today is eighteen years since I felt a lump on my breast. I remember feeling intense fear, sadness, disbelief and so many scary emotions.  I knew in my heart that things would never be the same again. I was diagnosed with breast cancer when my son was five and a half months old. I remember thinking he would have no memories of me. I prayed and hoped I would make the five year mark to see him

step on the school bus so he would remember me. Day in and day out through surgery, grueling chemotherapy and radiation treatments I imagined him getting on the school bus. Whenever I felt sick and wanted to give in I visualized him waving goodbye to me on the school bus. Five years later when the day arrived I imagined sobbing at the bus stop. Ironically the bus never came the first few days and I drove

him to school. It was a dream come true for me to reach five years of survival.

Every year I set new goals for living another year and watching him grow up. Amazingly it is now time to send him off to college as he gets ready to spread his wings and leave home.  Thinking back and realizing I never in my wildest dreams believed I would see this milestone.

I always dream in smaller increments and am so thankful when that day arrives. Now I visualize and dream of his college graduation - four more years please. What a blessing to be alive and healthy. I am very grateful and appreciative for the gift of eighteen years. 

Books that helped me as I recovered:
Dr Susan Love's Breast Book
Full Catastrophe Living - Jon Kabat Zinn

Excerpts from My Journal

2012 Race For The Cure - 18 Necklaces for 18 years

Excerpts from My Journal - A Breast Cancer Survivors’ Writings

By Karen Hackel

August 24, 1994

Last Friday went in for a local to have a lump removed. Things look “suspicious”. I am scared. The results come back – “malignant” Shock and intense sadness overcome me. I am not ready to deal with this now. My thoughts turn to my family and the tears flow. I always knew it could happen, but never thought it would happen. My mind is going a million miles. The doctor’s words sound all too familiar to me – lumpectomy, radiation and chemotherapy. I feel an amazing calm come over me and know I will be okay. I feel strong despite the obstacles ahead. I will face this cancer head-on and learn from it. In a strange, sinister way I see